Go and read it first. There.
I think we at this journal's news desk can go further.
Not only are the allegations untrue but:
a) the goat was not, in fact, Spanish, but Portuguese, and is currently living safely in a wildlife preserve in East Molesey.
b) The Tango is a dance made famous in Argentina. "Erotic licking" plays no part in the Tango. Neither, of course, do balloons.
c) only a lunatic would apply shoe-polish to a weasel.
d) if the alleged incidents had in fact occurred in broad daylight during a car-boot sale in Harrow then there would be photographs, and quite possibly a plaster cast.
e) by now the "Use by" stamps on the yoghurt would have expired, indicating it as unfit for human consumption.
This journal trusts that this clears up the matter once and for all.